I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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