a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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