He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
