Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
