I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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