Jerry, you need to find god
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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