They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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