I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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