GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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