First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
