life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
