I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
