she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
