As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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