There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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