don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
