I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
