I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
