Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Randomize
