Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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