tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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