I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
