you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
