I'm so fucking centered right now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
