Betty ford says i'm here all night
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
