What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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