So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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