I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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