It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
