If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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