Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
