I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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