My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
