I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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