Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
