He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?