watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
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The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real