Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
