I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
