I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
