She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that