I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
