I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
