So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
