you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
