What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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