Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
