So drunk, too bad you don't want this
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
