sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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