they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
