I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
