I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
