you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
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you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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