i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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