I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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