I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
