I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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