Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
