I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the condom got lost in my hair
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
