never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Let's paint friendship bongs
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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