oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
