if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
