She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
