I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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